Problem replies

Please send any advice you have for this group to info@bookgroup.info and we will put it on this page.

If I was in your position and someone was acting like this I would take them on one side and ask the direct question: "You seem to have a problem with me, other people have noticed too, what have I done that's upset you?" This should shut her up - I don't see why you should leave the group just because someone is unpleasant. When I was working and responsible for a group of ladies, my motto was "Nip it in the bud"! The only way to sort something out is to hit it head-on, even if it means upsetting someone. Good luck and please continue to go to your book group.

Ann
North

This sounds like bullying and needs to be tackled, you have the same right to be in the group as she does and it sounds like her behaviour towards you is spoiling your fun. Tackle her alone, and say that you find her behaviour upsetting and that you would like it to stop. If she carries on, you will need a group discussion and together lay down some ground rules on how to choose books and make sure evreyone has the space to voice opinions and not feel belittled. Good luck!

Anna

If enough of you have the same problem in the Group, then the offending member should be asked to leave. Why should some of you feel unhappy enough to consider leaving!

Mo


I have read the other three responses and do agree with all the points they have to make. The fact you have not confronted this woman before makes me feel that you are not comfortable in doing that. It is hard. And much as we would like it to be, it is not always in us to be confrontational, and after the confrontation, the bad feeling in your mouth and all the self doubts as to whether you are in fact the one that is in the wrong!

Sometimes it really is better walking away - if this individual is as unpleasant as she sounds she will very quickly be isolated, as everyone who has a problem will go! I would suggest to you - find another group and when you do tell those others in the group who you are comfortable with - where you have gone. And no! taking this action is not the action of a coward just a sensible move in a positive direction in moving on - and think of the new friends you will make! I think the expression is - have the printed T-shirt!!!!

What ever your decision good luck!!!

Ann: Luton

I had exactly the same problem as you and it came to a head one night when I
found myself driving home from Book Group in floods of tears. I decided
enough was enough , this was supposed to be an enjoyable pursuit not a
stressful event that I had come to dread every month! I decided there and
then to leave, I didn't want any more confrontation, I had quite enough in
my personal life!

I soon joined another group, quite different in nature, nobody is allowed to
dominate the conversation, everyone gets a fair turn and I thoroughly enjoy
it. The best laugh was that I sent a quick E mail to the members of my old
group just saying that due to personal reasons it suited me better to join a
group that met at a different time. The first person to reply was this woman
saying how much she would miss me..............you never know do you?

I have never looked back and still keep in touch with the people I want to
be friends with. Find another group, there are plenty out there.

Jenny, Wales

My answer comes with some degree of courage attached:
I was involved in a Book Group a number of whom thought, or saw me as
the awkward one, others thought I was just 'too brainy'. I was
approached by two of the group, one of whom had been the one who asked
me to start it up with her a while before. I had no idea that my
contributions were seen as argumentative or controversial or that this
could be seen as bullying and in the past I had never ever had problems
with groups of people.

I walked away after the confrontation because I was horrified I had
upset people and felt this was the only dignified thing to do. It was
and remains the first and only time in my life (now 50) when I was
percieved as aggressive. My confidence took a real battering and it
took time to recover. Within six months the group had folded but I am
left with a real sense of unfairness. The friendships that pre date
this Book Group have survived this episode, but whenever I find myself
in other all women situations I am now exceedingly wary. My long term
view is I was something of a scapegoat, but I will never be sure so all
I feel is guilt about the hurt I caused those other women.

Anon